Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Family


I've been reading Nora Roberts for about three days straight now. I think I'm actually tired of reading bubblegum books. That, by the way, is what I call the contemporary books that aren't classics and that don't really offer anything beyond a few hours of distraction.

And I'm tired of them. I'm actually looking forward to reading Oliver Twist and finishing The Arabian Nights (well, not so much on the second. They're kind of old stories by now, what with having heard them so many times in so many ways. But I'm sticking to the end. The idea of a slightly crazy monarch and a queen in danger of her life always appealed to me, and I've never quite been able to understand the ending of Scheherazade's story). 

I'm breaking away from writing more and more. And responsibility. In a way I think I should worry about it… the 'obligations' I've heaped upon myself, but in another way I think, why bother?

Of course I have to worry about schoolwork. Math, to be precise, and psychology. Even French, though I'm starting to doubt I'll ever quite be interested in it. It requires concentration and sticking to it and a routine to make it a habit. And I don't have a routine. And so I can't make a habit. And if it's not a habit, I can't stick to it, because to be quite honest, I don't stick to things I don't like that aren't habits.

I can't wait to get back home at times. To start the next stage of my life. I settled in this stage for a couple of days, but increasingly I want to have my own space, my own time, my own routine.

I can't wait, in a way, for college. I have no idea what I'm going to do when I get there, and I have no idea what I'm going to do to get there (SATs and ACTs only go so far), but I want to get there and meet the people and take the classes and start making some life of my own separate from this family I've been carting around for five months.

I mean, I love them, a lot, but… wow. We've been together for five months. We see each other, and only each other, about 24/7. If we don't speak to each other, we're within 20 feet of each other. We don't have any communication with anyone outside of our immediate family, except through Facebook. There's no friends to talk to because it's freaking impossible to really talk on a phone. I miss face to face conversations and people I know, but it's not that I'm looking for. I'm looking for serious alone time where I don't have anyone's agenda to follow but my own, and for a very, very long time.

I am so happy anticipating August— being in total charge for at least 24 hours and taking responsibility and marshalling… and then relaxing at camp for a week and talking to people endlessly.

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